Shh! Audrey is sleeping…

Dear Diary….

Well I am slightly late in this weeks post. I gave myself the goal that I would make a new blog post at least once a week, as then I might actually begin posting consistently. But honestly this week has been very up and down.

I started the week with some fun tie dying with a friend. I’ll have to take some photographs for the next blog post as right now I am not suitable for photographs to be taken. But it was definitely fun and a wonderfully needed break away from the house for an evening. The only downside was that we didn’t get to order the Chinese we wanted (Out of delivery range) and I may have accidentally stained the garden patio….oops.

Earlier in the week I got in contact with an amazing woman called Victoria who works as a type of life couch. (Link at the bottom of the blog) She was lovely to talk to and believes that her skills in hypnotherapy and BWRT (Brain Working Recursive Therapy) will massively help my mental health when it comes to my illness. I explained to her that it’s not a case of not wanting to feel pain, because sometimes we do need to feel it…. it is my feelings of helplessness, uselessness and guilt that need to be addressed. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for taking a day here and there for myself, but similarly I shouldn’t feel like I can’t do anything. I need to learn when it’s okay to push myself that little bit more and get things done, and when to say ‘no’ to people and activities.

I also said goodbye to my trusted, noble steed that was Henry, my car. Also known as ‘The Pope Mobile’ by many friends and family. He was passed onto my mum from my grandparents after they gave up driving, who then passed the car onto me when I first passed my test. The old man has done me well on many trips around the UK so I think he was definitely deserved of his retirement, after some strange (and expensive) sounds were coming from him.

However I did unfortunately pick up a small stomach bug this week as well, which is why the blog post is late. It just reaffirmed that what only knocks back an abled person, like my dad, for a day knocks me back for much longer. Thankfully at the moment I don’t have a job or other out of home commitments so I could take the few days needed to get some rest.

I’ve started making sourdough!

Meet Audrey, my sourdough starter. My mumma bought me a ‘Naturally gluten free sourdough starter’ course from Udemy at the beginning at the lockdown in the UK. Unfortunately my habit of procrastination and sheer forgetfulness has meant that I’ve not started it until now. It seems simple enough but we’ll see how it goes. So not only will you be following my journey, you’ll get to follow that of Audrey!

That’s it for this week!

Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay Beautiful.

And Remember:

Everything will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end.


Victoria Maskell (Hypnotherpay/BWRT) : https://www.victoriamaskell.com/home

FROM ME TO YOU

First ever blog post. Ahh!!!

We’ll see how long this goes for, but I’m hoping that for once in my life I’m able to stick to something like this. I tried a blog post in the past but it lasted for all of 2 weeks to the point where I can’t even remember the site I used anymore. I’m hoping because I’ve invested money into this I’ll at least stick with it for the year I’ve paid for. That’s my goal. Stick with it for a year and see how it goes.

The purpose of this site is mostly to act as a sort of open diary from myself to the world. I often struggle, like so many people, to voice the thoughts bouncing around my head and find it easier to type them instead. But generally there won’t be any aesthetic to this… it’ll be thoughts, feelings, reviews of new items/clothes/films… a little about me, about my friends and about my life. I’ll be including my struggles with dealing with Chronic Illness and with dealing with my family, whom I love dearly but sometimes they really drive me up the wall. I’ll be posting updates on my theatre hobbies, information of shows I am assisting in/performing in. I might even post the odd poem or two, although I’m not much of a fiction/poet at the moment. My hopes are that by having a space where I can voice my chaotic voices, and maybe just talk about my struggles a little, I might be able to not only help myself but someone else in a similar situation to myself.

So let’s start at the beginning.

Hello world,

My name is Jess, or Jessica when I am in trouble. I am 24 years old, currently unemployed and living with my parents. I come from a crappy little city called Peterborough in the East of England, UK (ranked no’1 worst city to live in for 2 years running! Woo!). I have a BA (Hons) in Acting, that I received from the University of Wales, Trinity Saint David; a tiny campus in Carmarthen, Wales, that I adored and still do to this day. I wear glasses, thanks genetics, and at the moment have pink hair – although generally my hair will reflect my mental state in the fact that it’s constantly changing colour and is rarely ever ‘normal’.

My favourite colour is purple, my favourite food is Chinese/Cantonese style cuisine and my favourite animal is the Otter.

And I have Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome (EDS).

Notice how I tried to mention that one last. As much as I do not want to be defined by a disability and chronic illness it unfortunately takes up a huge part of my life. I’ve tried ignoring it but unfortunately real life doesn’t work that like that. Whilst I am very fortunate with the severity of my EDS, such as being able to still walk 90% of the time, I still have many issues. Issues ranging from chronic pain and fatigue to depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed in 2018 after I unfortunately lost a job due to long-term sickness. It was during that time my family and I decided we needed to figure out what was going on with me, as this wasn’t the first episode I had suffered with. Even now I still struggle some days and still fight to get myself out of bed. I have lost two jobs because of my illness and lost many more opportunities for work due to not being able to physically do the work. I can no longer work behind a bar or in a restaurant without needing to sit down every twenty minutes. I struggle in office environments where I am either stationary for too long or I get headaches and migraines from staring at computer screens. I have yet to find something that works for me. And no employer in their right mind would higher someone who is going to be off sick a lot.

However I am too ‘abled’ to be able to apply for disability. It’s a struggle so many people face and I know so many people in worse positions than I who are unable to get disability. The fact that I can walk and shower myself most of the time instantly rules me out. What people don’t see is the battle going on inside my mind. The struggle I face when my joints are constantly popping in and out of their sockets, constantly cracking and clicking. The constant pain I have 24/7. That some days just getting out of bed and down stairs is an accomplishment for me. That some days I am too tired to even think straight let alone try and work out how to be a productive human being for the day.

One thing I have realised is the little things people take for granted. How easy it is for some people to just get up, shower, get dressed and make breakfast. What may take someone an hour to do all that would take me all morning and by that point breakfast has become lunch. For one person it could take 20 minutes to fall asleep, for me it depends on the temperature of the room, what I’m wearing to bed, is it hot or cold outside, what have I done in the day, how much pain I’m in, how active my brain is, am I comfortable, do I have enough pillows? do I have too many pillows? — I’m lucky if I fall asleep within an hour of going to bed. Usually it’d take 2-3 hours of lying there in the darkness with my own thoughts before finally drifting to sleep. Only to be woken up an hour or so later because I’ve dislocated my shoulder or knee just by rolling over…and then people wonder why I don’t get up until 10am!

If you hadn’t noticed I sort of get in the habit of rambling from time to time so don’t be surprised when content just becomes utter rambling gibberish. This especially happens when I am upset or passionate about a particular topic. I suppose the point is is that this is my safe place to ramble and slurry a stream of thoughts onto a page in hopes that either it’ll help me in my day to day life or someone somewhere out there might understand.

I think for today this is enough.

Stay happy. Stay Healthy. Stay Beautiful.

And remember, ‘everything will be alright in the end… if it’s not alright. It’s not the end’.